I feel guilty a lot. About everything. It's how I'm wired. Blame it on my Catholic upbringing, blame it on my anxiety and utter lack of self-esteem, blame it on the fact that I didn't start going to therapy until my sophomore year of college. Whatever. If something happens, and I am somehow involved (whether intimately or by six degrees of separation), I feel responsible, and if something goes wrong, I feel guilty. And then I feel guilty about feeling guilty, because feeling responsible means I'm narcissistic, right, because who do I think I am to think that everything revolves around me? Feeling guilty is a habit. It's addicting. My therapist Lara would insert an explanation here of neural pathways and how negative thought patterns loop around and around and around in your brain until they happen automatically. If you're like me, then if someone makes a comment about their own misfortune--"I failed my test yesterday," or "I didn't get any sleep last night," or "I feel really sad"--your brain immediately offers an explanation of how the situation is your fault. I should have helped them study! I shouldn't have stayed up so late texting them! I should be a better friend! "Shoulds" are the tinder that keep guilt burning in the pit of the stomach--and the flame is a hard one to put out. I feel guilty about a lot of things, big and small. Sometimes that guilt serves a purpose, helps me rectify a situation, or swallow my pride and apologize for a wrongdoing. Most times, though, the guilt becomes paralyzing. Instead of realizing that my guilt may be unreasonable, I allow the flames to lick away at my rationality. I made her sad so now she's going to stop being my friend. I was the only one responsible for that breakup so now I'm never going to be in a healthy relationship. I forgot to feed my cat so I will never be able to take care of a human child. The fire swells into an inferno that swallows logic, and only full-blown anxiety seems to be fireproof and emerges unscathed. If feeling guilty all the time sounds exhausting, that's because IT IS, Y'ALL. It brings the gaze so far inward that one goes cross-eyed trying to examine only their own sins. I don't mean to imply that guilt is selfish, but one's reaction to it can be. Mine certainly is. I begin to convince myself that I live in a vacuum, that no one else's decisions or actions matter other than my own. Living with endless guilt, I think, probably feels a lot like Prometheus getting his liver eaten every single day by a hugeass eagle. Even if the guilt over one situation is wrung out, a new guilt or shame will grow almost immediately, and the process will continue in an endless, painful cycle. This is a weird post. I didn't mean to wax poetic (and then attempt humor by saying Y'ALL in all caps and describing a mythical bird of prey as "hugeass"). I felt guilty over not writing a blog post for a while, which morphed into feeling guilty about not helping people, which became guilt over being a failure as a friend and writer and human being. I fanned the flames. Self-care tip for the day, my sweet ones: if it's not serving you, put the trash fire of guilt out. Or, like, try. The fire may be a little match you can pinch out; it could also be a world-consuming conflagration that might take years and years of therapy to even start to extinguish. That's okay. If you feel up to it, start the process. Fill a little watering can with some logic. It could even just be a squirt bottle, for, like, punishing a cat who's eating your plants. That may have been my fault, but I apologized, and I won't let it happen again. That wasn't my fault, so I don't need to beat myself up. That person makes their own decisions. I am allowed to forgive myself. I am not responsible. I apologize for not posting for a while. I hope to post more regularly, because I know people enjoy reading the blog (thanks, y'all are peaches). However, I also know that I've had a lot going on, and not a lot of energy or motivation to write, and that's okay. I don't need to beat myself up about it. I've got a squirt bottle, and I'm not afraid to use it.
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